Life. It comes with so much more trouble than it should. Why? I wish I had a way with words, because typing my opinion on something always feels so incomplete. It's like there's always more to be said, and unless I find those right combination of words to phrase exactly what I'm thinking, I'm never going to feel satisfied. And that's what this whole statement will be about: Me being happy. The truth is I'm not, and I've been thinking this in my head for the past few weeks. For a long time I thought I was, but now I just find myself putting on temporary smiles and silly greetings to make others feel more comfortable around me. But before I list the reasons as to why I'm not satisfied, I'd like to share a little more on the recent events that helped me realize how I truly feel. 

This summer started as just a regular summer, I really wanted to relax before Senior year and not have to worry about much paperwork, but like the other breaks of course I was given tasks at expected due dates. Now, I have been told that whatever things I may work on now will eventually benefit me in the future, and to be honest, I can't necessarily argue with that. However, I do have a problem with what I am doing, which is no way satisfying to me. I never really wanted to make some of the things I've made, or say some of the things I was thinking, but for some reason people expect these things of me. When will I be able to do the things that I want to do? This completely goes against me being my own boss and I feel like I've been stuck between my beliefs versus someone else's expectations for quite a while now. Blindly. And it is not a very rewarding feeling, it's more obligation than anything else, which can go either in a good, or bad way. But there is also more that bothers me, like a proper audience, as well as guide. I am a very laid-back person at first sight, I am honest, I am benevolent, I listen to others who need my help, I will work hard for something, and I will enjoy learning and applying for that something as long as it is relevant or pertains to my specific interests. But on the inside, I'm hurting, and I don't know who to talk to about it. Even though I've said so in the past, I've never found someone who's even close to being like me. Someone I can tell my stories too, and not just get a less thought out reply back. Someone who can try to walk me through my problems without a casual "You'll be fine,"  and remembers me for my character, rather than what I currently do, which I should remind you, doesn't even make me happy. Talents come afterward.

I realize a lot of things now, the first is that no matter how someone else phrases this, or disagrees with how I phrase it, I'm aware that "You're going to have to deal with a lot of other peoples shit before you can even think about working on your own." And that's a very sad thing to have to do, but by societal standards, it really separates the weak from the strong-willed. By my standards, you'll be very very unhappy for a long time, if not, forever doing both anyway. The next thing I realize is you will be placed somewhere outside of your comfort zone on several occasions, and at times, it will feel against your will. Whether it's literally going somewhere new for whatever reason, or sharing a hardship that you believe no one needs to know about, these things will at times be expected of you. Now, I don't have a problem with things like these per se, but I do see some very controversial things with this. First off, why should someone share something that they know would cause people to judge them? Regardless of whether or not the judgement if good or bad, the fact of the matter was they didn't want to share it. And Secondly, why would you tell someone that you can already sense either does not have any way of benefitting you, or genuinely does not care enough to even attempt to fix your situation? No, we're supposed to share these things because of expectations for the higher-ups, if you ask me, that makes our lives a real Alice-In-Wonderland. But maybe I'm getting too moody and personal.

I really dislike talking about myself, as I feel narcissistic doing so, but I have to clear my mind and find the right person to share this with. Being vulnerable is not something I am comfortable doing, especially while learning how conceited most people really are in this world. Even though I wish they weren't. I don't know who that is, but I hope I find them long before anything significantly bad happens. Believe me, I still want to be the best person I can be, and I don't want any pity from whomever is willing to give me any, that's one reason I tried my best not to list any specific situations that made me type this much. The second reason is that it's just embarrassing. But if I don't find the right help, from the right people, before the wrong time comes, I really feel like I'm going to snap one day. I need guidance, and to be free and secure. Without those things, I can't see myself even working towards living my dream and being truly happy. With that being said, I was never good at keeping promises, but from now on I will try my best not to lie to myself anymore about when I am uncomfortable with something, and if possible, speak up to things that I genuinely disagree with. I promise.

For those of you that care, below is a list of my Interests:

• Learning about Animation & Actually Animating
• Learning about VIdeo Games & Actually Gaming
• Learning about Drawing & Actually Drawing
• Learning about Personalities (Socio-Sexual Hierarchy, Astrological Signs, etc.)
• Thinking
• Talking, Making Jokes & Asking Questions
• Watching Insightful Videos/TV Shows
• Writing 
• Cooking & Eating
• Collecting
• Sleeping

Note: The only reason I enjoy these things is because I know they are relevant to my life, and have specific tasks I wish to accomplish in my life.

I suppose this can be a sort of update, as I should also share that I will be trying to update some of my profile images, as I felt they were a bit too old to keep. I also deleted all of my Art, seeing as how it was very unlikely I'd be scouted with images like those. But I have to admit, at least I was happy when I made them.

Please feel free Private Message me, or Comment if you have anything you wish to ask me or just throw out in the open.

"When you do what you love, it ain't even work!"